Cool Dude
One of the few redeeming qualities of tech is that anyone from anywhere in the world can call at anytime for free.
It was dusk, the air was cool, the last of the birds chirping away their good nights mixed with night bugs and nearby frogs living the heavenly life amongst the newly flooded rice paddies waiting to indulge in said night bugs. I was standing on my deck taking deep breaths in, and out while looking out across the valley at the twin peaks.
The contrast between where I live in the mountains of Yamanashi and spending the day in Tokyo is too great to come up with a metaphor to explain something that can only be experienced.
Deep breathing is my way of decompression after a long exhaustive day of teaching in Tokyo. Just about to inhale I felt a buzz in my front pocket. Forgetting that I put my phone there, in hindsight I was glad I did. But usually I don’t like to be bothered by technology and put it in the back. I still hadn’t quite decompressed and was hesitant to open the app and answer the phone.
After a few more front pocket buzzes, I reluctantly opened the app and answered,
“Hello.”
On the other end was a voice that sounded like Lauren Bacall after a fifth of jack and a pack of Marlboro reds, “Hello.”
I wouldn’t have recognized the voice except thanks to technology the name popped up on the app. The voice on the other end coming from across the world in Europe was a he not a she.
“I can’t really talk,” he said in a barely discernible Bacall mumble.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, even though I knew.
I lead a pretty fucking amazing life and I don’t say that lightly. But I do say it with joy. I have paid a heavy price over many years to get to this point of being able to say that. I now wake up every day with thanks and gratitude for another day. As of late, I have added a question to go with my morning attitude of gratitude asking myself, “If this is it, is it enough?” The answer comes quickly.
“I’ve been drinking,” he slurred.
“How long,” I asked.
“A week.”
I can give you a serial felon list of losses, pains, heartaches and sufferings that would make anyone bitter for what remains of their life. Life has a funny way of balancing things out if you stick around. You begin to see the gains and successes within all that suffering which keeps you going.
“Are you still drinking?”
“Yes.”
I paid a heavy price early on in my twenties with drinking. But even after decades of not drinking I had no idea heavier prices were to paid. Loss of a brother far too early, my father shortly thereafter, multiple divorces, failed dreams all culminating in a long-lived lie. Not being honest with myself and fearful of turning to face the shadows of my past which grew over years of neglect, the price got heavier.
“I didn’t want to call you.” He said.
“Well you did.” I replied with a smile. “And I am glad.”
I have learned over the years how to handle these kinds of situation—don’t preach, don’t judge, just listen.
“I called to tell you that you are a really cool dude,” he said out of the blue.
I started to say something but noticed his name was no longer on my smartphone screen.
He had hung up.
In the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book it is written that there are these promises:
“You will intuitively know how to handle situations which baffle us.” I’ve been sober a long time and I still get baffled.
“Fear of financial insecurity.” I am not good with money and it still freaks me out.
“A new freedom and happiness.” I am just now getting around to this after more than thirty years. Is this related to AA or age? The jury is still out.
“We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it.” I carried a regret that I tucked away in a dark corner of my soul for almost thirty years. Once I admitted it to a family member my life changed.
I will say this latest phone call I didn’t intuitively know how to handle this situation. A man with a death wish telling me I am a “really cool dude.” How do you even respond to that?
I called him back right away but, he didn’t answer. I followed up with a text, “I am here if you need me. Call, text anytime.” He didn’t reply.
Since his call, I have texted him everyday. He has not responded. The only way I can tell he is still alive is that at the top of the app there is a timestamp and date that you can see if someone has been online.
I check it daily and so far he is alive.